It might be a lot like yours (or not at all)

Washing the mom off.

In I'm a Baby Mama! on October 13, 2009 at 5:59 pm

It’s been another long day filled with milky, drooly burp cloths, pee-filled diapers so heavy you could break a window with them, and the never-ending cycle of picking-up, putting-away, and washing. You take a quick glance at the clock, and realize the day is almost over. Is that happiness that’s overcoming you? Well try not to be too excited; you’re supposed to be enjoying every moment of being a mommy especially since it “goes by so fast” as they always say. Still, if the day is almost over, that means your man is coming home soon, which is hopefully something still semi-exciting for you (it’s the little things!).

Because of all your hard work all day, your home is in good enough order and ::gasp::, your little one is napping! Now please take a moment to survey your situation and appreciate how rare moments like these are, where the stars have aligned in a way that would actually allow you to do something not baby or home related, something for that person you so frequently forget about…YOU! If you are fortunate enough to be in this predicament, a second shower for the day is the recommended course of action because admit it, you smell (damn hormones!). And don’t even think about hopping on the laptop for a minute, because this rare window of opportunity will vanish as fast as your little one can spit up.

Instead, what I want you to do, is move the baby-monitor to the bathroom if it’s not already there, and peel off your mom-uniform (you know…yoga pants and a tank-top and/or zip-up depending on the temperature). Toss them into a pile on the floor because you will not be putting those slightly sweaty, mom-funky cloths back on after what’s about to go down. Now, turn on the shower….nice and hot, that’s it. Let the bathroom steam up a bit, but not for too long! You know that baby could realize the paci has fallen out at any moment and begin grunting until you get there, which could turn into a full-on wail if you don’t get there in time, which could lead to a fully awake baby, thereby ruining the nap-time completely which will produce an over-tired, cranky baby and a half-bathed mom. So keep it moving, and get in the shower.

Grab your too-big-because-you-need-a-new-one body poof and squeeze the most creamy, moisturizing, sensual smelling body wash you have. If you just have one body wash, then you need to step your game up. I personally have three to choose from at the moment: A squeaky-clean lavender wash for when I feel contaminated or need to relax (which are often synonymous), a citrus scented get-up-and-go wash with scrubby beads which I often use after a workout or in the morning or when coffee isn’t working, and a luxurious, super sudsy wash that makes me smell like a Victoria’s Secret model looks. In this particular instance, I would choose that last one, but use whatever you have.

Now go ahead and rub and smoosh that body-poof all over your body, in every single nook and cranny, with the goal of producing an extreme amount of frothy bubbles. And don’t be afraid to scrub. You want to be scrubbing with the kind of rigor that will wash the mom off and get you feeling fresh and sexy. If you hear any peeps or squeaks on the baby-monitor, take an extra moment to indulge a bit in this scrub-down until you’re sure that you’re needed, at which point, immediately abort mission and sprint (safely) into the baby’s room to see how you can best salvage the nap.

If you’re lucky enough to not yet hear anything from your little one at this point, then bravo, well-timed and executed. Okay, now quickly rinse off, wash your face, shave anywhere that could be visible or touched before your next shower, and get the hell out of there. Dry yourself off at least 35% and immediately begin to lotion up. This is a very important step, so make sure it smells really good and enticing. Go check on the baby, put some cloths on (it’s okay to put on a new mom-uniform, but do add something MILF-y like diamond earrings and a touch of mascara).

You still have a few minutes before your man gets home, so go sit where you usually sit, or do what you usually do, relishing in how gloriously self-indulgent your 12 minutes of Me Time was. When your man comes in, just let him smell your freshness…perhaps he will even feel your soft cleanliness if he touches your arm during his “Hello” Smooch. In addition to your delicate Me Time, that’s what you did all this for, ladies. Not because you intended on getting laid later that night (would be a lovely side-effect though!). Instead, you did this to remind your man how sexy and tempting you can be (trust me, he noticed and might have even got a semi). And to show off your supreme mom-skills that are so acute that you can have the entire home sparkling, the baby calm, and be just chillin’ out being fresh and sexy when he comes home, unlike pretty much every other day when he comes home, but we won’t get into that right here and now.

But really, you did this for you. To wash the mom off of you and feel un-mommy for the entire 2-3min between the time you started scrubbing the mom off and the time you checked on the baby right after the lotion-up. That is, unless, you were beckoned on the baby-monitor before you even got all the mom off. If that’s the case, try again in a few weeks, when the stars might align this way again…believe me those 2-3min will be worth your effort!

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